Since we were kids we have been told that in order to get what we want we must chase after it. We must be assertive in what we strive to achieve. We must chase after it to no question or end. But when does simple assertive attitude turn into aggressive behavior erasing the good efforts we have put forth. When do you say assertive versus aggressive.

The way that one person is raised might be completely different than another. One person may have experience a passive parent and all types of mild mannered mentors growing up making them see assertive as aggression when it does come. Then it turn the child raised in a situation where they had to voice clearly what they wanted or had to fight harder than the average to get what they wanted. Many people have to look at how the person on the receiving end might see any situation.

The individual brought up in a more passive environment might look at aggressive at a completely different point of perspective than others. They might get offended easily in critical situations. They might be offended by just a manner that someone carries themselves. They might take deep offense to crude humor or find error in someone who is talkative.

On the flip of the coin the other type generally considered an alpha might look at the other as being to soft or weak. They have a hard time seeing why the other get offended over so simple an item. They constantly feel as though they have to tip toe around others as to not upset them. They feel that they are having to incorporate the others ideas when in fact the other don’t care to do the same.

Let us take a real situation and see how it is handled:

A person goes into a florist the morning of their anniversary. They want to buy some of the best flowers to impress their mate which relationship was already on the rocks. They agree with a price and have some special instructions on delivery-that the flowers be delivered at the mates work at a certain hour before lunch several hours later and that they attach a gift that was given to them at the time of purchase. Nothing real special florists do this everyday and incorporate anything special into the final price.

Later at the end of the day the florist calls the person and says that the delivery was unsuccessful because they had just tried the delivery and no one was at work.  They continue on to say that they had arrived very late in the afternoon to deliver them and that they could be picked up or attempt to deliver them the next day. Which would have been on Monday because this happened on a Friday.

Of course it is expected that the person making the purchase would be upset. The order they paid for was wasted. Had they had known that this company could not fulfil the commitment they would have sought different approach maybe buying the flowers from a different florist or something but either way the good thing had now turn into a fiasco. The person clearly states how incompetent the business is and discusses what they needed to do to get a refund because the opportunity to achieve the same effect had been lost. The florist in turn states that the flowers could be picked up if the person would hurry because they were closing.

Upon arrival to the florist the buyer is approached by police that had been called by the florist. They tell that they were called because of an abusive phone conversation. The buyer retrieves the flowers and gifts and leaves promptly not wanting trouble from the police.

The situation above is real I know I was the buyer and was utterly upset when the florist could not fulfil their side of the deal. And when I had the police there I did not want to do anything else because my attitude from the sour deal would be perceived as aggression and I would get carted off. That fact became so obvious when I pulled in and one pulled behind and one beside me to block my path. After being non confrontational the police left me alone but wouldn’t anyone be upset? And why the need for police?

After I had the flowers in my hand and returning to my car I sat there for many minutes trying to think of how I could have approached this different but I really came to no concrete solution. I believe that I handled this productively and said what I wanted to say to show my level of discontent with the florist.

How could I have achieved a different result? How could I have showed less tension even being upset? Is there a simple way to look at disappointing situations in order to automatically calm yourself? I have learned only one method but I am willing to take your approach if it is different. My approach is once upset I go outside get a couple deep breaths of fresh air and stop to think of how I am coming across to the other person. But often I can not see the others opinion and just try to think of something soothing or relaxing and many times that does help. Sometimes I find an answer if I write it down because I have to think about it differently when putting it into words.

If you have a solution to this simple dilemna please share your comments…